Confidential: Macau Madness Mission


The Admiralty is pleased to report on a highly successful special ops mission in the former Portuguese colony of Macau (now firmly in Chinese hands). Fittingly entitled Macau Madness Mission, the operation was divided into three parts:

1) Ascent of the Macau Tower, at 338 meter the 10th tallest freestanding structure in the world.
2) Conducting the first Liechtenstein Grand Prix
3) Iki-iki intelligence gathering

To carry out such a complex, difficult and dangerous mission, the Admiralty assembled a crack team of six officers and sailors from within its ranks together with a liaison officer of Britain's MI6, know only as "DJ". The naval members were:

Admiral Colani
Lt. Cmdr. Mei Li
Lt. jr. grd. Rauti
Petty Officer Roger
Sailor Nigel
Sailor Tui


Part 1 - Ascent of Macau Tower

Deciding to forgo the Navy's traditional V18 Dragonboat in favor of a Boeing-powered Turbojet, the team arrived in Macau at 1100 hrs. Clearing immigration smoothly, the group split into two, with Unit Alpha establishing camp at the base of the tower while Unit Delta took possession of the team's land transport vehicle, the MOKE (Macau Onshore Killer Engine). The designated transport officer, Lt. jr. grd. Rauti, familiarized himself quickly with this highly versatile combat vehicle - and promptly got lost twice on the way to the tower.

Having fallen behind schedule, the re-united team wasted no time in penetrating the imposing tower's concrete core where it was discovered that an elevator was available leading all the way to the 61st floor. This would certainly make climbing the bottom part of the tower a lot easier!

On the 61st floor the team arranged to rendezvous with its local contact, AJ Hacket, who would lead the Navy to the top of the structure. AJ Hacket provided the mission with high altitude climbing suits that had the dual purpose of disguising team members as a group of mental hospital inmates on a visit to the observation platform. Rob, Kiwi liaison officer and climbing guide at AJ Hacket, also advised the Navy to leave its supply of Fosters fuel behind on the 61st floor - a decision which was to be very much regretted.


With all team members properly fitted out with harnesses, helmets and an ingenious rail safety device, the group commenced the actual climb up the inside of the tower. After ascending countless levels in hot, sticky and oxygen-starved conditions, the team finally moved to the outside of the mast. The scenery was breath taking - as was the exposure. Thanks to excellent weather conditions all of Macau was visible (it's not that big!) with the urban sprawl of Zhuhai in the back and Lantau Island in the polluted distance.



Having left the relative safety of the tower's inner core, the expedition was now fully exposed to the elements with temperatures rising to 31 degrees and wind speeds of 11 kph. As the team pressed on higher, there was less and less mast and more and more air. Reaching the last platform before the actual pinnacle, the team assembled for a final equipment and reality check. Was everybody mentally prepared for the last stretch? Who got the Liechtenstein flag? Why did we leave the Fosters behind?



But by now it was too late to turn around. Leading the way, Admiral Colani launched the final assault: up a by now alarmingly thin mast with footholds that would no longer accommodate more than one foot at the time. Ignoring the effects of heat, exposure, hunger and thirst (Fosters!) the brave crew clambered on until finally there was nowhere left to go but down: at 338 meter, on a platform barely able to accommodate seven sailors, the Liechtenstein flag was unfurled to cheers and shouts of joy and satisfaction of a mission accomplished. The view would have been impressive, if it wasn't for the three flashing lights blinding expedition members at five-second intervals. The incredible achievement started to sink in as the Navy looked down on an airliner taking off.




All the celebration and flag waiving resulted in the tower swinging wildly into all directions. This, together with the realization that the entire structure was "Made in China" led the Admiralty to call for a timely retreat. Spurred by a quest for the cache of Fosters fuel stored at the 61st floor the mission quickly descended down the mast.




Part 2 - The 1st Liechtenstein Grand Prix

Following a power lunch and several re-fuelling stops, the Navy proceeded to the Macau Go-kart track for the inaugural Liechtenstein Grand Prix. Held on this recently upgraded facility, the race was going to be an exciting - albeit somewhat chaotic - affair.

Following a single formation lap the race was supposed to commence with a flying start on the command of Admiral Colani's kart. However, Lt. Cmdr. Mei Li jumped the start, leading to a confused and frenzied scramble for grid positions into the first corner. By the time Admiral Colani crossed the starting line the race was well under way far down the track.

There were closely fought battles throughout the race as the sailors fought for every position. The "Princely S-Curve" proofed to be the crucial turn of the circuit with plenty of overtaking opportunities. It also offered plenty of parking opportunities as many karts found their way into the gravel there.

A tightly fought wheel-to-wheel battle between Adm. Colani and Lt. jr. grd. Rauti on laps 24 to 27 was eventually resolved when Lt. Rauti hit the grass and gravel on the entry to the start/finish straight. Surprised by his opponent taking the scenic route, Adm. Colani lost control of his own vehicle and promptly crashed into the tire wall on the straight. Both managed to keep their engines running and after pulling their machines out of the deep gravel continued the race.

Petty Officer Roger's race was marred by technical problems, as he had to come into the pits three times in the search for a faster kart.

Sailor Tui followed a conservative racing strategy, which meant avoiding the mayhem and leading an accident-free race.

Lt. Cmdr. Mei Li was caught on camera making a rude and indecent gesture to Adm Colani as he finally overtook her following the botched start. The race stewards later decided against imposing any penalties on her as she argued that she was not properly briefed on the starting sequence and claimed the hand signal was merely a sign of encouragement.

With cars going in and out of the gravel at increasing intervals, race officials lost control of the track positions and by the time the race was over, the Navy as a whole was declared the winner.





Part 3 - Iki-iki intelligence gathering

The rest of the mission was spent gather intelligence on local F&B conditions and other iki-iki opportunities. The following important information was passed on to Admiralty's HQ:

  • Fernando's serves excellent Sangria, but nobody knows whether it's called san-GRI-a or SAN-gri-a.
  • Moonwalker's serves excellent beer and everybody knows how to pronounce it (BEEEEEER!)
  • DD's demands an extortionate $100 cover charge for an empty disco.
  • You can't do a "wheelie" with a three-axle MOKE.



End of message


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